This used to always bother me when I saw others easily navigating a social interaction while I sat there feeling anxious and awkward.
On the inside I'm:
Oh man, am I making enough eye contact? How much is too much? Are they truly interested in my story? Or are they just being super polite? Should I just fade out? Yep. Definitely too much eye contact. They think I'm a serial killer now. Didn't I read somewhere that eye contact lasting longer than 7 seconds means you either want to be intimate with them or murder them? Either is too creepy. Why didn't I act deaf? No awkward conversation if you can't hear. My palms are sweaty. Why are they staring at my teeth?! Is there something stuck in them?! Okay they are closing the conversation... this is awkward. I should know how to do this by now. I just stuttered. Sorry. Okay. Say your farewell... NOW. Oh! They weren't done. Ugh! Now I seem rude! Why did I say that to them? Stupid. I probably offended them they're going to tell everyone I'm rude. I'm swear I'm not rude. I'm just awkward.
But on the outside I am actually:
So how about this weather?
And that's how every single human interaction goes for me. I just... can't. Nope.
I feel like I'm bothering people because small talk is not my strong suit. It's gotten better as I've gotten older. When I was younger I lived in fear of of getting the way or annoying people and I ended up being standoffish and reclusive sometimes.
This morning, my mom, our friend Candy, and I were talking about children's personalities. I simply commented on my shyness as something I've had to work through. Mom and Candy said something that stuck with me. God uses our individual personalities to grow us into the people we are to become. They said He was going to use my feelings of shyness as a means to produce gentleness in me.
Before today, I've never seen my introverted personality as a good thing. I always wanted to be (and tried my hardest to be) outgoing like my older siblings. I now see that their lines of work are perfect for their individual personalities, same as mine will be for me. I just need to be me.
"There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us." 1 Corinthians 12:4-6
You weren't meant to be exactly like your sister or brother or parents or anyone else you think is the best. You were meant to be you. I used to hate my personality, but God loves my personality. He created you and I with such care and intention. Don't ever wish to be anyone else. You are exactly the person God has chosen to impact a certain people group. If you don't, who will?
